So I mean…it’s okay??

While still in my twenties (wowow feels weird to say), I often remonstrated the fact that I was due to turn 30 soon. Did this mean I needed anti-aging products now? Had I checked off everything on the ‘to-do’ list I created when I was 15? Why was I not yet married with at least one child and living in Dulwich? Would my knees start aching every time it rained? Would my vagina dry up like a Medjool date in the Sahara sun?

I had all the questions!

Dress // Mini Croc Bag // Shoes

I’ve always been pretty young at heart, so I never had a problem with my personality changing or responsibilities building once I hit the big 3-0. I can organise a worldwide backpacking trip online while laughing my guts up at American Dad at the same time, so me fearing any loss of the traits that make me awesome was never a worry.

I guess for me, I was holding on to this 15 year to-do list which had been slowly eating away at me for years. At the top of the list was getting married and having a family by the age of 30. Now I know I know, times have changed, but as a Taurus, we hate change so it was something I definitely had to accept once my last relationship kicked the bucket and I realised that I wouldn’t be achieving the top thing on my list.

Since turning 30, things have been a bit manic on my side. I won an awesome award. I got myself some management. I started writing more articles for publications. I pushed myself to be a lot more social, and I started back on the dating apps again after deleting them in February due to that incident. I’m also working on a little side project that is currently taking up about 90% of my time, which is why things have been a bit quiet on here of late!

So…all in all, things are going well but I’m still waiting for the ‘AHA!’ moment so many 30+ people have told me about. The moment when you stop giving a fuck and proceed to live your best life (although I must admit I feel that I am about 80% there).

I’d be lying if I said I don’t feel even more at home in my body than I did in my twenties. Sure, I – like a lot of us – still feel pangs of insecurity at times, but the pangs aren’t as negative then they used to be. I’m having more good days than bad, which is always a great thing. I actually allowed myself to like someone for the first time in two and a half years which was…actually a really big deal for me? It didn’t work out in the end (and realistically, do they ever for me? #TeamRejectionAssemble!) but who knows what the future holds? If it’s meant to be, it’s be and all that (if he somehow finds this post and reads this, hi hello hi).

I’m no longer *TRYING* to blame myself for people not seeing the potential in me. It’s a lifelong habit that I’m trying to unlearn everyday but I’m hoping I’ll get there soon. I acknowledge and recognise my worth and what I bring to the table. I feel like I’m an awesome, talented, intelligent, witty, funny little egg.

I’m learning how to accept compliments and be a better friend. I’m learning how to listen to my body. I’m learning how to be even more confident when it comes to dating, even though I’m lying a bit dormant at the moment. I’m learning how to be grateful for all the little things, and thankful for all the amazing opportunities that come my way. I’m falling back in love with myself every day and…it feels good, yanno?

Photos: Albertine Sarah

I feel more than ever that there’s some kind of metamorphosis happening inside me, and it’s something I noticed over the last two weeks or so. Whenever I go through a period of growth (especially after something sad happens), I tend to shut down and up my self care. I started taking up Yoga classes again which has been fun, and also adding to that Barre classes (….) and Zumba. I’m doing things like eating less meat and taking longer walks at dusk. I don’t know what any of this means, but I’m listening to my body and it seems to love it.

Back in the day, I used to take Yoga classes in order to be more flexible in certain areas of my life (X_X), but it’s been the weirdest thing this time round. Two weeks ago I was crying myself to sleep because I had a lot on my mind and I was feeling super anxious, and then at around 3am, SOMETHING/SOMEONE(?) spoke to me and said ‘girl you need to start stretching so that you can have flexible hips for childbirth!’. Right there and then, I signed up for the classes online. I don’t know why that thought entered my head as I had/have(?) resigned myself to never having a family or being with anyone due to rejection upon rejection, but something told me to do it. So I did. Weird right?

Anyhoo, all I know is that things seem to be on the up and I feel somewhat pleasant about it all. I’m trying to get on with my life and fill my head with work stuff and fun memories so that I don’t end up lamenting about the things in my life that I am missing. Seems to be going okay so far, as long as I have a constant flow of things to do. And even on the days I don’t, playing Zelda: Breath of the Wild on my Nintendo Switch keeps me more than occupied…