*Sighs*

I’ve just come back from the hospital and i’m sleepy as hell! The past 24 hours have been sooo crazy, but what in my life isn’t lol?

Apparently, according to my housemate, I was in the kitchen with her last night and I blacked out again. Now, the last thing I remember from yesterday was writing a poem or something in my room, I don’t remember anything so when i woke up in hospital this morning, I was so scared.

A couple of months ago, I suffered this same thing so I knew what must have caused this 2nd time round…however i didn’t tell the doctors because i didn’t want them knowing my business lol, I just told them that I was extremely stressed out at the moment. Anyway, i did all these tests and I had to go in for a brain scan which was damn scary because..well it’s a BRAIN scan lol and I was just expecting them to tell me that it was just a standard blackout and that i could go home and rest.

But no. Not this time.

I was in the hospital bed watching TV and the doctor comes over to tell me that I need to eat because my ‘something’ levels are extremely low (it was too early in the morning to be digesting medical terms). I told him that I haven’t been able to eat properly for 5 weeks and everytime I eat, i throw it up anyway I just decided not to eat food and stick to fruit, which I have been doing since. He then starts saying that he is concerned about that and asks me to eat something, and i tell him again that I CAN’T eat. He then tells me that If i refuse to eat then they will have to force feed me through my stomach!

I didn’t want to go through all of that so i had a fry up, which tasted soo weird. But anyhoo…the Doctor asks to have a word with me a few minutes later and he has this really serious look on his face, which was making me nervous. He goes on to say that my results showed a ‘pressure on the brain’ due to something to do with water and nerves and something *I was too stuck on “swelling on the brain” to listen* and that I’d have to start coming in for check ups every 3 months. At this point, i was like..’errm ok’ and then he went on to say that I should get some help in terms of stress/depression issues because if i keep blacking out and putting too much stress on my brain, it is very likely that i could end up with a haemorrhage.

O_O.

After that they gave me more meds and discharged me and everything so here I am at home. I’m just so scared at the moment because I know what’s causing me to stress out, but it’s not something I can just…stop thinking about because it has kinda ruined me i suppose. I don’t really feel like me anymore, I feel like a zombie, just going through the motions not really thinking about stuff. But after hearing what could happen if i kept stressing about this stuff, i know now that I need to fix up and move on with my life, even if it hurts I have to just bury it and move on because it’s like…my life is on the line now and I don’t want to end up 6 feet under because of any situation/man – that would just be the epitome of weakness and I can’t do that. 🙁

*sighs* I don’t know what to do now. All this news is so overwhemling to me..